Thursday, November 3, 2011
The Cave of Forgotten Dicks
by Werner Herzog
Another night in paradise. In Germany, the penises rain down like little canned sausages from heaven. Germany's sense of shame and propriety seems to me akin to trying to hide a water balloon in your backpack by quietly and forcefully squishing it away with your hands, only to have it explode all over you from the pressure, getting on the walls and everything else around you. The thing you tried to hide away got all over everything you have and now you just have to pretend that you like it there.
We pulled up to Molotow club in Hamburg just close to the Reeperbahn and I could tell just from the facade that this would be a gold mine of imagination and creativity. In my film "The Cave of Forgotten Dreams" there is a scene where a French master of perfume walks through the forest sniffing at gaps in the bedrock trying to snuff out difference in odour that would indicate the existence of a cave hidden on the other side. As I crept down the Reeperbahn towards the club, past the "Sex Kino", past the "Erotisqksh Shop", past "Sister Act 2", even if I was just a humble amateur dick-seeker, my nose would have led me straight down the throbbing red entrance way of Molotow. Behold the Burgess-Shale of dicks.
Here we have the evidence of a culture with a relationship to the dick much different from our own. In this drawing we see a little man, perhaps in reverence, or in fear, gazing up into the face of a massive dick man. Like a penguin looking into the eyes or a killer whale, our tiny friend does not know what to make of this monstrocity, the creation of 3 dicks in one being. Perhaps this picture tells of a long forgotten dream, when the giant 3 dicked monster roamed through the night like a poem.
We see here three souls crying out in the night for dicks. We see that the power of art, even in prehistoric times, has the power to put a dick where before there was just a barren wasteland.
Here we see a humble dick from a bygone age obscured behind the trappings of a modern era. From carbon dating we can see that the newest image, some kind of a happy Dick Man, is from the 2011 period. In the foot area is a notice standing at attention, like a missile from the consciousness of the past.
The language of the past is like a play unfolding before us. The prehistoric brutality of this "cock" impregnated on the naked ballsack of this romantic dick tells us perhaps of a past violence that stirred within the human heart. The dick shudders, almost in a violent threnody to its surroundings, lashing out at a world it cannot understand.
This is a dick man in traditional garb - the illustrious contortions of the hairy ball sack. This be-mustached specimen seems to be using some sort of technological artifact, perhaps to spear a helpless animal, or to shove a dick-shaped weapon of malefice into a throbbing crag in the ground, a reminder that only a dick can fit into a hole. He seems as dazed as he is happy, which may be evidence that he was under the precious kiss of some sort of prehistoric yet elicit and miasmic drug.
This is the clearest evidence of a prehistoric belief system that we have found in the Molotow Cave. It is hard to read because of it's sheer age, yet we can still see the traces of the system of "bumfinity". Did our dick-forefathers believe in an ouroborous style giant dick that filled the sky at night with his majestic semen? Or were they worshiping a terrible dick snake that fed on their children before destroying itself? Or perhaps they understood then what we only try to understand now, that where once was a dick, will always be a dick.
As we walked along the cave floor, beside shards of skeletons and boners erased by the cruel hand of times arrow, we looked up to see this amazing site - a full reproduction of the ancient dick (with hairy anus). This is the largest work in the entire site, taking up the entire ceiling of the west wing. With such a crystal clear production, it is almost as if we are gazing into the loins of a living dick man who is perched above us, godlike in the heavens.
It has been noted that these ancient dickmen shared similar languistic structure to our own. If we were to magically re-arrange the letters from this inscription, perhaps it could mean something. All we have now is to dream, perchance that a translation to this poem will come to us like a reverse-nightmare cascading through the night like a giant penis-shaped phantom.
This shows us that while the dick we know is a peaceful creature, when stirred the dick can be a frightening monolith. Was this an alter at which our ancestors would worship, or maybe make ugly sacrifices to? The hairs on the hairy ballsack, as well as our necks (and hearts) only bristle at the thought. Yet nothing is certain, and nothing is real. What we know as toadlike indolence here is replaced with a fearsome albino boa constrictor, which its aching body perhaps wrapped around the heart of the heart of our planet.
Yet more evidence of some kind of horrible or life-giving deity from the skies. A giant five-fingered dick shooting it's holy smegma into the earth where seeds can grow into the dick men we all became. But yet also it could be a cosmic stop sign, some indication that the world of the dick men would come crashing down all around them. All we have are the clues, and the songs.
It has been an established fact that this once strong community of schlong would meet a terrible fate. It is all the more heartbreaking to see an image like this, from a time when these people cared only for peace and love.
More evidence of the horrific bloodshed that we now believe must have enveloped this culture like the bun of a giant hamburger. We have seen some evidence from the fossil record that perhaps their communities were made of dicks themselves, giant dick buildings that housed and fed them. Yet we have no idea that their planes were made from penises as well. But could also these perhaps have been avenging angels from the sky? Holy dicks, or even alien dicks? It would not have mattered to those with hateful bullets raining down upon them.
Now a few representations of the creatures that inhabited this ancient land:
The squiggely necked dick snake.
A terrifying dick-burgler.
The final cast off, as we see the holy and important mystical figures from the community ejaculated into the cosmos to spread the message of bumfinity to the far reaches of outer space.